Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
