forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize