Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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