i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
