So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
