My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
