so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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