I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
