Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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