i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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