my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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