So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
