I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
