We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
