Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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