I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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