I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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