Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
