So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Randomize
