The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
