Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
