The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
