Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
