youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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