Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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