he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
