remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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