so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
