just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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