I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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