You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
