i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
