i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
