Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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