i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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