I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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