Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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