I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
