her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
