dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize