After last night, I could never be a politician.
wanna go halves on a baby?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
