There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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