Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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