his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
