Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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