Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
