also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
