i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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