I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
