I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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