I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
