i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
