do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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