So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
did i walk over a car last night?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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