she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
how does that bad decision feel?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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