she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
