that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
