he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize