went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
