when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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